"Beer makes you feel the way you ought to feel without beer." -Henry Lawson

Thursday, 20 August 2015

Westmalle Trappist Tripel

     Westmalle Trappist Tripel (9.5%)

This will be a stomach rattler. Holy Jesus 9.5%! Smells like it will stab you. It smells of outside. Like you've been outside at 7pm and your clothes smell of wind. It's fizzy and complex as fuck. One of only twelve beers in the world that can be called 'Trappist'. Like your average priest, it's Trappist in the closet... (or R. Kelly.)

Hmm... it's not a stomach rattler, I take it back. It's fuckin' lovely and raspy, like a raspy hand bastard in your mouth. It's a long lingerer. 10 seconds later it's still tasty as fuck. Moorish. For its flavour to strength ratio it gets the Bob Law Ball Blower Stamp. Handle with care or be left walking around with the meat minus the veg.

They didn't really try at all with their labels either, so extra credit for the lads.

One Scrumptious Solution

Trouble Brewing Dark Arts

  Trouble Brewing Dark Arts (4.4%)

Al's not into it. A little hoppy yet a lot of bitterness. "Malt takes the lead." Not trouble Brewing's best, we feel! I give a news anchor page shuffle after that exclamation. Need a chipboard. So dark and Rich in taste.

Not mind blowing. It's a steady Steve, a sound Susan... I Could go all night with this. Or even a sultry Sally! ...A dodgy Dave? Maybe this could be in Eastenders. It's not Boblawballblowing but delicious on tap maybe. This is a bottle luber upper - a baseline beer. Better enjoyed in the winter by the fire. It's just... There. Bit of a Kanye West - probably great but I just don't see it. Very mute as a boozer. There's silent bob the there this.

Average at Best 

BlackJack Drogheda Cream Stout

  BlackJack Drogheda Cream Stout (4.6%)

Disclaimer: This review may contain traces of nuts and subtle racist undertones.

Tastes skinny. In fact, it tastes like Laurel to Guinness' Hardy. Al's not into stout tonight, or ever really. It's somewhere between Nicole Ritchie (After an accident in a coal mine) and Oprah... It's light but so chocolate-y.

Light, easy and smooth. Like a lubed up Lionel rickety Ritchie. It's also as smokey as a 1920's prohibition bar. In fact, it's as smokey as a 1990's Irish bar, with kids drinking Cidona and eating cheese and onion crisps.

It's strictly rhythm here, no iddley widdley with this beer. It's tasty, but without a stout there is better out there.

Average at Best 

Blacks of Kinsale Rocket Ship

  Blacks of Kinsale Rocket Ship (6.5%)

Described as an "intergalactic gyrating joyride" - Or, maybe like banging a Dalek. Odd aroma of metal, like a Dalek's cock socket, like nickel on the nostrils, tungsten on the tongue. I "hop" it tastes better than it smells. Pleasantly surprised. Great balance of hops, like loitering youths they're on the corner but causing no hassle, no trouble brewing. (HueHueHue)

A little citrusy, tinges of watermelon but an unfortunate metal aftertaste. (Bitter really, but metal sounds better) It's like Will Ferrell these days - he's not doing any damage, but it's not adding anything bad or doing any good either. An enjoyable tipple for most circumstances but lacks that something special, this rocket ship is most definitely not rocket fuel.

Reasonable Refreshment

Blacks of Kinsale black IPA

   Blacks of Kinsale Black IPA (6.5%)

Smells delicious, like an old negro florist. Smells absolutely lovely to be honest. Proper boner here. My tantalised taste buds are turned on. It's a sunbed obsessed IPA - like a Jersey Shore extra, but with class. Black in color but pale in attitude, just like that golf club swinging fairy Tiger Woods. 

I'll tell you what however, you wouldn't kick it out of your fridge for adultery. It speaks for itself, and tastes for itself, as it were. Like Obama, it gets away with it just by being awesome.

    Stamp of Approval